Trials Of Manhood

It’s Theme Blog Day! Huzzah! My ol’ muckamuck Scruffy Craig and I do this from time to time so go read his take here.

For a while now, I’ve pondered what it means to be a man. Here in South Africa, we have a certain idea of what a Man is. Drink beer, braai, watch sport etcetera. Is that it? Is that the definition of a Man?

I guess it started the other day when one of my friends was sad. He’d had his heart trampled upon by a lady, as that is seemingly what they do for fun, and he invited me out for a beer. Now let it be known that I have a long history of being anti-beer. The smell alone brings the bile. But he had his puppy eyes on and my empathy was in full swing so I obliged. And struggled my way through a full pint of Peroni. Perhaps I have ‘acquired the taste’ as I didn’t immediately vomit on his shoes. But it was at this point that he said “I’ll make a man of you yet!” Ah fantastic! If I drink beer, and perhaps get a leather jacket emblazoned with a lone wolf, girls will love me! The secret is revealed! Meh. I’ll stick to whiskey thanks.

Braais. For those of you in America and other countries, it is akin to a barbeque. Kinda. In the UK it’s akin to standing in the rain and moping. Here’s the thing. It’s not that I can’t braai. It’s just that I have intention of being ‘That Guy Who Braais’. I don’t want to be that guy who gets stuck handling another man’s sausage. Plus, I seem to have the smoke curse. Y’know, no matter where you stand the smoke snakes after you, making you smell like a volunteer firefighter. So I’d rather be somewhere else, somewhere less smokey. Drinking a whiskey.

Sport, I’ll admit, I’ve grown into. I enjoy a spot of cricket on occasion and I love playing tennis. But that most manly of manly pursuits, the rugby, eludes me. I’m not in favour of any particular team, like the Blue Balls or whatever their names are, nor do I pretend to understand the rules. As far as I understand, it’s much like life in that you can only score if you try or convert, making it some kind of weird mix between pickup artists and Jehovahs Witness’. The goal just seems to be muddy pain. The mind boggles.

There are other lesser trials such as changing a tyre or fighting a bear, but those are only really thought of once encountered. You either fight bear or you don’t. As it happens, I have changed a tyre or two in my short life. They should teach this stuff in school. Not putting a condom on a banana. Fat lot of help learning that did…

I think they should have real Trials Of Manhood. Perhaps along the lines of Japanese game shows. Human Tetris, running gauntlets, etcetera. Perhaps get a certificate or something.

Save me having to drink beer…

Attraction

So a lot of people have asked me what attracts me to a girl. Okay…not that many. Okay…none. But I’ma tell you anyway!

1. Mute

Haha, just kidding. I don’t mean that. She’d still be able to sign and that incessant flapping would drive me mad! (How do you shout in sign language, by the way?)

So here’s the real list.

1. Funny

Very important! My sense of humour is, well, unorthodox, to say the least. Drier than the Gobi on occasion. What I need is someone who will not only get it but be able to keep up with me and make chuckle, nay rofl. Is there such a girl? Perhaps. Outside of a mental institution? Let’s not push it…

2. Compassion

Ah, that most underrated of emotions! I met a girl who had as much compassion as a ball of string. Uncompassionate string. Attractive? Nay! How can you expect someone to care for you when you can’t care for others?

3. Tolerance

This may need a bit of explaining. Tolerance of me and my habits is what I mean. I’m a nerd. I enjoy manga. I enjoy playing on my DS. I like surfing and not getting shouted at when I get out. See what I’m saying?

4. Mutual Attraction

Yeah, that’s pretty important 🙂

5. Balanced

A decent blend of indoorsy and outdoorsy. I like being on the couch with a DVD but I enjoy a good game of tennis. *ahem*

6. Physical aspects?

Well, yeah, of course. I do enjoy a good pair of…eyes.

7. Not Crazy

This one’s pretty crucial. I seem to attract real nut jobs. There’ve been some nice girls, sure, but there’ve been just as many crazies, psychos and stalkers.

Yeah, I guess that’s kinda it. There’s probably more to it but I’m tired so maybe some other time.

And Craig, I know you fulfill all of the above but, well, you’re a boy.