SA Movies

Other day I saw a poster for that accursed High School Musical and thought to myself “That’s not what schools are like!” So I thought I would give South African versions of a few movies.

High School Musical

Everyone knows that high schools here, primary schools even, are nothing like the squeaky clean schools portrayed in that atrocious movie. Schools are breeding grounds (excuse the pun) for underage pregnancies, drug abuse, clandestine cigarette breaks on the field and alcohol consumption. In my high school there were no mass singalongs, no hard choices between being a star sportsman or a singing dancing ponce (most of the jocks did both at mine) and no Ashley Tisdale. We had kids building full-scale tanks, digging tunnels under the sports fields, having stone wars, blowing holes in blazers with firecrackers, kickboxers getting into fights with groups of gangsters, lighting desks with lighters and aerosol cans, making teachers cry, teachers pouring whiskey in their coffee flasks, teachers punting books they wrote themselves rather than our setwork books…and that was a school in a decent area!

Taxi Driver

I’ll admit, I haven’t seen the movie with Robert De Niro but I reckon all you’d need for a good thriller is stick a clueless white boy in the middle of nowhere and film his first taxi ride. I know mine almost killed me.

RoboCop

eRoboCop: Desist, citizen! You were driving 61.879kph in a 60kph zone! You are under arrest!
Citizen: *(thinks) Oh crap, eRoboCop!* I’m sorry, officer, I didn’t mean to! You couldn’t let me off this one time?
eRoboCop: No, the law is the law!
Citizen: What if I were to give you…this can of WD40?
eRobocop: Very well, citizen, this is your first warning. Drive safely.

Transformers

Durban Indian streetracers who take modding their cars to the next level. Starring Megan Foxigarahesh.

Rambo

He came back from the border, alone, reeking of brandy and ready to take down anyone who disagreed with him. Which is everyone to a drunk war vet.

Lyrics

What the hell is happening to the state of music? At work we now listen to the radio as we work, 5fm if you must you know, and I’m starting to think that I prefer the sounds of silence. Has anyone actually listened to the lyrics that are broadcast? Chris Rock spoke about how girls will listen to anything as long as it has a good beat and now I know it to be true. Allow me to present a few examples:

1. Lily Allen “It’s Not Fair”. I was listening to the lyrics because I enjoy the subtle nuances and wordplay that most artists (that I listen to, at least) employ. This song was…well, I heard something in the song that made me wonder so I typed it into the ol’ Google. Gosh…try Lily Allen Its Not Fair lyrics. Go on.

2. Hoobastank “Inside Of You”. Enough said.

3. Almost any rap song. Or hiphop song. Or R&B for that matter. Anyone listened to “Get Low” by Lil John? Or how many of you “love college”? Right now, girls reading this are getting their Westlife panties in a bunch, “Oh but I love that song!” And some people love child pornography, doesn’t make it right, does it?

Unfortunately, the accompanying videos are even worse. I saw one of the recent Now DVDs. Wow. How the hengis green are they gonna top this? Britney dryhumping guys in various states of undress, Hillary Duff in bondage and of course, the ever-classy Lady Gaga. Has anyone else noticed that she cant’ dance? And trust me, I know what not knowing how to dance looks like. Apparently she used to be a stripper. Even fully nude I doubt it could distract from that giant nose of hers…Anyway, proboscis aside, how can they top these videos? They’re gradually wearing less and less whilst doing outrageous things. Soon, they’ll be fully nude, singing how virginal they are, while riding a purple unicorn and fighting a giant dragon made out of marzipan.

The worst part about all of it is that rock music now seems comparitively tame. There are no real shockers anymore. Popstars behave worse than most rock stars. Where’s Marilyn Manson? Off concentrating on his painting somewhere. I saw the ‘behind the scenes’ footage of the Fall Out Boy DVD…this is a rock band? With it’s roots in hardcore and punk? Good gracious. Even Slash has toned down his drug use, no doubt due to some of the American Idols finalists getting to the dealer ahead of him and buying the lot. And the original shock rocker? Where is he? Falling off karts, doddering around his house in a (not drug-related) daze mumbling and murmering.

“Sharon?”

*sigh* What happened to popstars singing about rainbows and happiness and leaving the anguish to the pros? I don’t want to see Robbie Williams chuck a TV out of a hotel window, unless said TV takes out the rest of Take That. (C’mon guys, it wasn’t even cool the first time)

And we wonder why school kids are having sex in the bathroom at Cavendish Mall. Apart from the fact that those bathrooms are pretty cool.

And I know a lot of people don’t agree. That’s why this is about MY opinion and not yours. So shut your mouths. The Slipknot/Celine Dion duet is about to begin.

Top 5 _ Websites To Go To When You’re Meant To Be Working

1. http://www.weebls-stuff.com . Go here if you have sound and you can use it. These guys make the most random flash cartoons. From dancing badgers to a mouthful of crabs to hats for clowns.

2. http://www.motifake.com . Home of the Demotivation poster. Totally awesome.

3. http://www.explosm.net . Cyanide And Happiness!

4. http://www.realultimatepower.net . It’s crazy. It’s ninjas. It’s REAL ULTIMATE POWER!!!!

5. http://www.cracked.com . I like to test myself at work and see how much I can read before I succumb to loud outbursts of laughter.

Fathers Day

Fathers Day is approaching and as a father I am slightly peeved. When Mothers day rolls around, there is much trumpeting and fanfare. Sales everywhere, specials on every corner and a general sense of joviality. For Fathers Day socks are slightly cheaper. Okay okay, so mothers do a lot more work, I’ll admit, but really. So far all I’ve seen is an atrocious informercial claming that if you buy your dad one of these products he will be ‘cool’. A waterproof razor? “Now he can shave in the shower!” it proclaims! Stuff that, I once cut myself 32 times just shaving in front of a mirror, you think I’m gonna chance it in the shower? A blanket with sleeves? A bullet to the head rather, please. An energy-saving light bulb?! Oh hosanna, just what I always wanted!

As a child Fathers Day was never much of an event for me. Probably because I never saw my dad. So I never had to worry. And I guess that carried through to the present. But strangely, I’m not alone. It’s not about the meaning anymore. Although, was it ever? You got your dad a present and he was then more inclined to give you money. As a rule, that present was socks.

I’m starting to think that the whole tradition was started because men got all sulky that women had a day and they never (although chauvinists will argue that every day is a man’s day). Scary thing is, I don’t even know the exact date of Fathers Day. Does anyone? Does anyone think “Oh crumbs, it’s Fathers Day soon!” without being prompted by the ol’ idiot box? If it weren’t for commercialism it would slip away. Argue if you will, you know it to be true.

Ah well, it matters not anyway. My daughter is only 2 and a half so it makes no difference to her. She’ll probably choose that day to ignore completely, as she likes to do periodically.

So this Fathers Day, sit back and think about all the things that your father has done for you. He’s done a lot! Well, most fathers. I’m not speaking from experience, just vaguely generalizing. Just ponder what he’s done and be thankful. And choose the socks carefully. A man can have only so many pairs of novelty socks.