Fatherhood

For everyone who doesn’t know, I’m the daddy of a beautiful little girl named Riley. Yeah, I’m a bit young to be a father, as people say. I turned 21 the month before she was born. As a Canadian said to me “But you’re a kid! A kid having a kid!” In a way I’m glad because it means I’ll be a young father, which is cool, but having a kid is a lot of responsibility. Financially, emotionally, it’s a lot. Her mother does a great of job of raising her when I’m not home. Which unfortunately is quite often due to how I work.

The mother and I aren’t together but we still live together. We broke up sometime ago but had already moved in together. Do we get on? Yeah, 90% of the time. We have our moments. Do I still feel something for her? Of course. I feel a connection to her that I haven’t felt with anyone else. I would never have gone that far otherwise. Does she feel the same way? Doubt it. Otherwise I guess we’d be together.

I’ve always had issues with fathers as my parents got divorced when I was pretty young. I don’t know my dad that much and I’ve always been scared that I would end up the same. I worry that if I moved out I’d never get to see her. I don’t want to be a weekend dad. I don’t want to be the dad who just supplies money. As if I have money, anyway. Have I been a good father? Not as good as I’d like. I hardly got to see Riley in the first few months which I hated. The mother’s friends have told me I’m a bad father, which is just fantastic. I’m trying to be the best dad I can be but being seperated from the mother means things are different. I like to think I’m better now than I was but I have a long way to go. It’s the worst thing in the world being told I’m a bad father. It cuts deeper than any physical pain I’ve ever experienced. It pushes me to be better but surely there are better ways to push?

The toughest thing is that Riley doesn’t understand. I go to kiss her and she tells me to kiss her mommy. Which obviously I can’t do. And she just doesn’t understand. How do you explain that to a little girl? It’s tough.

But when that little girl smiles, the world melts away…

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1 Comment

  1. Riley is the only judge who matters as to whether you’re a good dad or not. Her life will be richer for having you in it.


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