Just Call Me Mr Problem Solver

Now, I’ve been living on this fair Earth for almost 24 years now and I’ve noticed that there are a number of problems. Some big, some small but all with, what I deem to be, simple solutions. So here, submitted for the edification of the world, are some of…The Big Answers.

The sad state of South African soccer
Hot jam, where to start? I don’t know what happened but somewhere along the line the players lost the respect for the national jersey. It’s become more about cold, hard cash than the honour of playing for your country, as is highly evident in the case of Benni “Yeah, I’ll Be There” McCarthy. Then there’s the fact that we change coaches more than we change our stance on Zimbabwe. Now we have one who doesn’t speak English. Hohum. And our players, oy! They have the cohesion of a handful of sand. Now my solution is this. A) Hire a coach who is South African or at least something resembling English. B) Do away with our current National team. It’s like we have a whole bunch of one-man teams on the field. “I wanna score!” “No, no, I wanna score, not you!” FIRE THEM ALL! Then take the team who wins the PSL and their coach and give them all Bafana jerseys because they’re obviously all doing something right. Right? Right. And why are there so few white guys? Why does no-one kick up fuss about that? No black or coloured people on the cricket or rugby teams and people wanna vomit on the Springbok emblem (by the way, WTF?) but there are like three white guys in the whole PSL and no-one gives a flying ferret. Okay, neither do I really. There’s that one guy, whatsisname, Ryan Botha or something, I dunno if he’s a good player or not, everytime I see him it’s a bloody modelling shoot.

Luke Watson
Bringing it up (excuse the pun) in the previous point made me realise how much this guy annoys me! Why are they fighting for him to be on the team when he says he doesn’t want to play for the Springboks?! To say you wanna vomit on the National jersey, that’s just disgusting. And I don’t even like rugby. My solution: ship the idiot overseas. Let him play for a team that don’t want to put him at the bottom of every ruck. Like Nigeria. Do they even have a team? He could start it and his cheeky dad, Cheeky Watson could coach it. Two idiot birds with one large stone. Oh, that reminds me of another rugby-themed idea I had while watching fat Dutchmen get drunk and curse at the tiny figures on their moving picture boxes. Take the loudest, rowdiest, fattest Joe Publics and give them each a team to coach without the benefit of hindsight and slow-motion replays. Now THAT’S a reality show I would watch. Winner at the end of the season doesn’t get euthanised.

*BREAKING NEWS! Capital of Nigeria has now officially been relocated to Muizenberg!*

Stupid people
Now I’ve noticed that, in recent times, the stupid person tally is on the rise. And I know why. OBE. Or is it called something else now? FET? It’s the dumbest system ever conceived. Although, I believe it to be a clever ploy on behalf of our current ruling party to dumb down the population to ensure the voters roll is fully stocked with their supporters. A recent survey compiled for the elections showed that, and I’m paraphrasing here, the lower the education level the more likely that they would vote in favour of the ANC. As the levels went up, so did the chances of a vote for the DA, ID or even COPE. So rather than us foolishly thinking our votes will win back the country from our (unconvicted) criminal president, let’s focus on fixing the education system and swinging all the other votes. I mean, really, have you seen what kids are learning? It’s a joke. Life Orientation? How about teaching them to replace a burnt fuse or a flat tyre? How to be polite? How the bathrooms at Cavendish Mall are not there to perform sexual acts in? Or we could just put a big sign offering bunny rabbit rides on the end of a cliff and hope for the best.

The trash on TV
I had it good. When I was younger, we had some class on the tube. I dunno what the rubbish is now but it’s pathetic. Satellite bores me. Apart from about three channels the rest is superfluous garbage (E Channel, anyone?). Even Tube, the animated continuity on SABC2 used to be better. They had these cool spiky robots that wanted to pop Dub and the other inflatables. The robot in charge even had this cool accent that made him sound like a British general. Now it’s like a poor imitation of Teletubbies with talking trees and suns and flowers and crap. Bring back the killer robots! And Robot Wars! What a show! Everyone likes fighting robots. So many good shows. Zet, Brakenjan, Reboot, Spif And Hercules, Shnookums And Meat…heck, I’d even take Sharkey And George! And or course, MacGuyver, Magnum PI, Murder She Wrote, Harry And The Hendersons, KnightRider and Dinosaurs. Bring those back and I’ll watch TV again. I guess those are all on satellite somewhere but I don’t have it so it’s inconsequential. And if anyone has seen Jozi Zoo or Cool Cats they will know where most of my angst lies. The animation is the worst example of recycling I’ve seen since the old Speed Racer cartoons where the same car would lap Speed several times, often in the space of a few seconds, and yet he would still win. This crap does not deserve to be on the air. Do they pay for this? I’m going to usurp it…one day…

One bullet. All I’m saying.

Zimbabwean financial crisis
Print more money. HAHAHA! Just kidding!

Somalian pirate saga
Chuck Norris

Current economic crisis
Here’s a crazy idea. Why doesn’t America pull all of its troops out from wherever they are and quit spending BILLIONS OF DOLLARS on its defense budget and rather assist its ailing economy. Which in turn could bail out the UK which, from all accounts, has just bankrupted itself. Or we could just trust Obama. Oprah does, that’s good enough for me. Seriously, if Oprah told her audience to kill for her, they would. She should talk to Mugabe. He’d listen to her.

Jacob Zuma
So everyone knows the problem there, right? My solution is Deborah Patta. She should hound him until he confesses to the rape, the fraud, blowing up the Hindenberg, whatever. If I saw Deborah at my doorstep I would poo in my pants. That woman is scary. You just know it’s hit the fan if she shows up at your house. I think she should have a seat in Parliament and a loudspeaker. That would spice things up.

Oh gosh, I just saw an ad on TV about JZs upcoming inauguration. I’m gonna be sick…

Now I’m not in the mood to solve any more problems. Maybe next time…


1 Comment

  1. whaha omw this is awesome!

    I fucking hate the Cool cats – Just another exploit at stupid people. Gosh.

    wicked post dude. đŸ™‚

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