I Am A Nerd

It’s true. I am a nerd. A mega-nerd. If this was The Power Rangers this would be the part where the moon witch woman would throw down her staff and shout “Make my monster grow!” and I’d turn into a massive Nerd and take on Megazord. (What was with that?)

Um…yeah…need more proof than that?

* I’m not just a Star Wars fan but I’m one of those fans who debates with other fans.
* I’ve read countless Star Wars books.
* I own a Linux shirt. Which I wear.
* I had a girlfriend tell me “You’re dressed like SUCH a nerd!”
* I work on a PC all day, complaining about how draining it is, then get home and turn on my laptop.
* And play old NES emulator games.
* I played Zelda until 4am for so many consecutive days that I would wake up thinking I could stab people and get blue gems.
* I’ve clocked a Pokémon game.
* I’ve compared my PC specs to someone elses.
* I’m the guy who comes out of Spiderman movies complaining about the inaccuracies.
* I like to watch special editions and try spot the differences.
* I look forward to software updates.
* I love open source software.
* I love anime and collect manga.
* I’ve alphabetised my CD collection and seperated my DVDs by category.
* I once gave a girl my email address in a club.
* I’ve set up my IM to handle several accounts so I can talk to everyone at once.
* I once considered MacGuyvering my mouse by taping a pen to it and offsetting it so that I had a drawing tablet.
* I know my name in Binary.
* I look forward to the results of the Large Hadron Collider and not just to see if the end of the world swings around.
* I’ve looked at something happen and named the scientific principle behind it.
* I believe that the heyday of gaming was the days of the Nintendo Entertainment System.

Rather a nerd than a jock though…

Go read my friend Craig’s opinion on the same matter here

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Fatherhood

For everyone who doesn’t know, I’m the daddy of a beautiful little girl named Riley. Yeah, I’m a bit young to be a father, as people say. I turned 21 the month before she was born. As a Canadian said to me “But you’re a kid! A kid having a kid!” In a way I’m glad because it means I’ll be a young father, which is cool, but having a kid is a lot of responsibility. Financially, emotionally, it’s a lot. Her mother does a great of job of raising her when I’m not home. Which unfortunately is quite often due to how I work.

The mother and I aren’t together but we still live together. We broke up sometime ago but had already moved in together. Do we get on? Yeah, 90% of the time. We have our moments. Do I still feel something for her? Of course. I feel a connection to her that I haven’t felt with anyone else. I would never have gone that far otherwise. Does she feel the same way? Doubt it. Otherwise I guess we’d be together.

I’ve always had issues with fathers as my parents got divorced when I was pretty young. I don’t know my dad that much and I’ve always been scared that I would end up the same. I worry that if I moved out I’d never get to see her. I don’t want to be a weekend dad. I don’t want to be the dad who just supplies money. As if I have money, anyway. Have I been a good father? Not as good as I’d like. I hardly got to see Riley in the first few months which I hated. The mother’s friends have told me I’m a bad father, which is just fantastic. I’m trying to be the best dad I can be but being seperated from the mother means things are different. I like to think I’m better now than I was but I have a long way to go. It’s the worst thing in the world being told I’m a bad father. It cuts deeper than any physical pain I’ve ever experienced. It pushes me to be better but surely there are better ways to push?

The toughest thing is that Riley doesn’t understand. I go to kiss her and she tells me to kiss her mommy. Which obviously I can’t do. And she just doesn’t understand. How do you explain that to a little girl? It’s tough.

But when that little girl smiles, the world melts away…

Top 5 _ Love Stories

1. Eternal Sunshine Of The Spotless Mind: A beautiful movie examining a concept we’ve all wished for before. It explores different concepts within love, the light and the dark.

2. A Beautiful Mind: Interesting portayal of how other loves can consume your life and overshadow love with another.

3. Love Actually: A good movie showing the intertwining stories of different people. Everyone’s connected somehow. It’s like Fish Hoek.

4. The Royal Tenenbaums/The Life Aquatic: Although all of Wes Andersons movies are great, these two are my pick for their portrayal of family love, however quirky and dysfunctional it may be.

5. Napoleon Dynamite: While not technically a love story, the love subplot made me feel awkward just like I did at school. The dynamics between the characters illustrated the fact that sometimes love manifests itself differently to what we’d expect.

Top 5 _ Bands To Listen To When You’re Depressed (or Cheer Up Kid, It Ain’t That Bad)

Sometimes, when you’re depressed you need songs that make you think ‘At least my life isn’t THAT bad’. These are my choices.

1. Travis. This Scottish quartet sure know how to set the mood. Why does it always rain on me?

2. Interpol. Another quartet, this time from New York, they play like the band closing for The End Of The World. Great stuff. I particularly enjoy ‘There’s No I In Threesome’.

3. Norah Jones. Need I say more? Great for sobering a room full of lively people or ending a party that has gone on way too long.

4. Frank Black And The Catholics. In particular the album ‘Black Letter Days’. Written in response to therapy after a messy breakup it’s no wonder that is a good’un. ‘Winter blows through my coat, it’s chilling my bones, but nothing compares, to your cold heart of stone’.

5. Thrice. The Alchemy Index, Earth. Really sombre heartfelt songs that make you feel like there is hope in any situation.

Scooter

(Typed to the tune of Digital Sea by Thrice)

So I bought a scooter. It was second-hand when I bought it, only 563km on the clock, good condition, for the princely sum of R6000. I  named it THE BLACK BADGER and, over 4000km,  it has since tried to kill me in as many ways as possible…

For those of you not familiar with these death traps let me tell you that they are the most dangerous Asian thing in the world, taking number one spot from Bruce Lee. Sure, I can fill my tank for R17 but I need to hold my dashboard on while I drive and tie my license plate on with string and cable ties. I’ve spent a further R6000 fixing the thing which is just sick. I have to admit at this point that a lot of it comes down to my bad driving. Within 5 minutes of climbing on it for the first time I had already crashed into someone’s flower garden (sorry!). I’ve hit pavements, gates, more pavements, almost a cat, taxis, got struck by a boy on a bicycle (I won), went over the handlebars, stalled HALFWAY THROUGH a busy intersection, locked my brakes going down Ou Kaapse Weg in a thunder strom (okay, that was stupid), almost t-boned an old lady’s car, almost struck several pedestrians, nearly went over the side of a mountain pass in heavy mist, had my scooter slip out from underneath me in wet conditions…the list continues.

But then I had to send it for repairs and had to rely on Metrorail to get to work…I was so happy when they phoned me to come pick the scooter up! It might be a death trap but it’s my death trap.

Love

“Remember when I said I loved you, well, forget it, I take it back.I was just a stupid kid back then, I take back every word that I said.” -Alkaline Trio, Stupid Kid.

I’ve decided to give up my dream of becoming the Minister Of Foreign Affairs after discovering that that’s not ACTUALLY what it means…

Which brings me to this topic, in some perverse roundabout way…LOVE. Everyone has encountered love in some way in their lives, some had good experiences, some had bad. Funny, they never seemed bad at the time but that’s the thing with love. It’s like a ninja, creeping up behind you, slitting your throat then dragging you into a bush to slowly die…yeah, I had the bad experiences. I think it’s because I’m too nice. At least, that’s what I like to believe. I can’t imagine what else could drive someone to cheat on you. Twice. But I refuse to change. My niceness is what defines me and, strangely, what attracted all of my exes to me. I worry I’ll become one of those arrogant guys with no regard for others. I’m sorry I’m not that exciting or whatever, I enjoy doing crosswords, stuff you!

I was kinda slow entering the love arena. I had plenty crushes when I was younger but I was a timid soul and could never muster the chutzpah to tell any girl how I felt. When I finally did tell one girl, she moved overseas a few days later. – 10 points. I had my first girlfriend when I was 18 and it was…eventful. She got really frustrated teaching me how to kiss. Yeah, that’s right. And when I eventually gained some level of mastery I ended up in the dog box anyway when one day I was given the decision between kissing her or watching Spongebob. It was a good episode.

It also doesn’t help my standing with the ladies that my sexual preference was often in question. Just because I’m neat, polite, soft-spoken and gentle does not make me gay. Just because my hair used to be shoulder length, just because I walk with a slight wag and a bounce in my step, does not make me gay. Just because ONCE a guy left his fiance and turned gay after meeting me does not make me gay. Sure, it’s a convincing argument but I insist I’m not.

Since then, every year, it’s been the same. Around March, I meet a new girl. That lasts a few months and I’m always single again by my birthday in December. Rinse and repeat. Gets a bit old, I can tell you. I should stay away from girls who have what I like to call Hungry Dog Syndrome. Always looking for a bigger bone…

I actually read today that the beginning stages of love are often confused with lust or infatuation and that those strong feelings of lust are quick to fade. Maybe that explains it. Was that all I was? I’m not even sure how I feel about that.

I’m scared now that I might be too hesitant to jump back in. I’ve been hurt so often that I might end up retreating into a toughguy shell and suppressing my emotions to the point that I can no longer love at all. Although that’s not likely. Hopefully.

So now I’m at that point in my life where I just couldn’t care less. Love is in the air? Hand me a gas mask. It’s career first, I’m afraid. I have responsibilities that I can’t, and don’t want to, shirk. Perhaps the love ninja will strike me down again sometime soon but I’m in no rush. As it was, this March was like doing the Tango, sidestepping girls who were interested. 4 in 3 days! That’s like the sum total of all the girlfriends I’ve had (kinda)! Funny how when you don’t want them, they’re everywhere. Kinda like zombies…But it’s definitely a self-confidence issue. I’ve never been the most self-assured, what with the way I’ve been treated in the past, but recently marked a real return to form, as it were. Back to how I was at school. Except I’m finally confident just being me. Not who I think girls want me to be but me. I was feeling so confident I even got voted Most Eligible Bachelor at my last place of employment! The managers entered me into a bloody competition…To be fair, there were only two guys working there but still. See pic above, would you vote for that? No, me neither. BECAUSE I’M NOT GAY! But that’s the beauty of it (excuse the pun), I no longer care that I might not be the most attractive, the strongest or whatever. I’m just having fun being me. And one day, hopefully, I’ll find a girl who is happy with that. I might have to blow her up myself but hey, beggars can’t be choosers…

Just Call Me Mr Problem Solver

Now, I’ve been living on this fair Earth for almost 24 years now and I’ve noticed that there are a number of problems. Some big, some small but all with, what I deem to be, simple solutions. So here, submitted for the edification of the world, are some of…The Big Answers.

The sad state of South African soccer
Hot jam, where to start? I don’t know what happened but somewhere along the line the players lost the respect for the national jersey. It’s become more about cold, hard cash than the honour of playing for your country, as is highly evident in the case of Benni “Yeah, I’ll Be There” McCarthy. Then there’s the fact that we change coaches more than we change our stance on Zimbabwe. Now we have one who doesn’t speak English. Hohum. And our players, oy! They have the cohesion of a handful of sand. Now my solution is this. A) Hire a coach who is South African or at least something resembling English. B) Do away with our current National team. It’s like we have a whole bunch of one-man teams on the field. “I wanna score!” “No, no, I wanna score, not you!” FIRE THEM ALL! Then take the team who wins the PSL and their coach and give them all Bafana jerseys because they’re obviously all doing something right. Right? Right. And why are there so few white guys? Why does no-one kick up fuss about that? No black or coloured people on the cricket or rugby teams and people wanna vomit on the Springbok emblem (by the way, WTF?) but there are like three white guys in the whole PSL and no-one gives a flying ferret. Okay, neither do I really. There’s that one guy, whatsisname, Ryan Botha or something, I dunno if he’s a good player or not, everytime I see him it’s a bloody modelling shoot.

Luke Watson
Bringing it up (excuse the pun) in the previous point made me realise how much this guy annoys me! Why are they fighting for him to be on the team when he says he doesn’t want to play for the Springboks?! To say you wanna vomit on the National jersey, that’s just disgusting. And I don’t even like rugby. My solution: ship the idiot overseas. Let him play for a team that don’t want to put him at the bottom of every ruck. Like Nigeria. Do they even have a team? He could start it and his cheeky dad, Cheeky Watson could coach it. Two idiot birds with one large stone. Oh, that reminds me of another rugby-themed idea I had while watching fat Dutchmen get drunk and curse at the tiny figures on their moving picture boxes. Take the loudest, rowdiest, fattest Joe Publics and give them each a team to coach without the benefit of hindsight and slow-motion replays. Now THAT’S a reality show I would watch. Winner at the end of the season doesn’t get euthanised.

*BREAKING NEWS! Capital of Nigeria has now officially been relocated to Muizenberg!*

Stupid people
Now I’ve noticed that, in recent times, the stupid person tally is on the rise. And I know why. OBE. Or is it called something else now? FET? It’s the dumbest system ever conceived. Although, I believe it to be a clever ploy on behalf of our current ruling party to dumb down the population to ensure the voters roll is fully stocked with their supporters. A recent survey compiled for the elections showed that, and I’m paraphrasing here, the lower the education level the more likely that they would vote in favour of the ANC. As the levels went up, so did the chances of a vote for the DA, ID or even COPE. So rather than us foolishly thinking our votes will win back the country from our (unconvicted) criminal president, let’s focus on fixing the education system and swinging all the other votes. I mean, really, have you seen what kids are learning? It’s a joke. Life Orientation? How about teaching them to replace a burnt fuse or a flat tyre? How to be polite? How the bathrooms at Cavendish Mall are not there to perform sexual acts in? Or we could just put a big sign offering bunny rabbit rides on the end of a cliff and hope for the best.

The trash on TV
I had it good. When I was younger, we had some class on the tube. I dunno what the rubbish is now but it’s pathetic. Satellite bores me. Apart from about three channels the rest is superfluous garbage (E Channel, anyone?). Even Tube, the animated continuity on SABC2 used to be better. They had these cool spiky robots that wanted to pop Dub and the other inflatables. The robot in charge even had this cool accent that made him sound like a British general. Now it’s like a poor imitation of Teletubbies with talking trees and suns and flowers and crap. Bring back the killer robots! And Robot Wars! What a show! Everyone likes fighting robots. So many good shows. Zet, Brakenjan, Reboot, Spif And Hercules, Shnookums And Meat…heck, I’d even take Sharkey And George! And or course, MacGuyver, Magnum PI, Murder She Wrote, Harry And The Hendersons, KnightRider and Dinosaurs. Bring those back and I’ll watch TV again. I guess those are all on satellite somewhere but I don’t have it so it’s inconsequential. And if anyone has seen Jozi Zoo or Cool Cats they will know where most of my angst lies. The animation is the worst example of recycling I’ve seen since the old Speed Racer cartoons where the same car would lap Speed several times, often in the space of a few seconds, and yet he would still win. This crap does not deserve to be on the air. Do they pay for this? I’m going to usurp it…one day…

Zimbabwe
One bullet. All I’m saying.

Zimbabwean financial crisis
Print more money. HAHAHA! Just kidding!

Somalian pirate saga
Chuck Norris

Current economic crisis
Here’s a crazy idea. Why doesn’t America pull all of its troops out from wherever they are and quit spending BILLIONS OF DOLLARS on its defense budget and rather assist its ailing economy. Which in turn could bail out the UK which, from all accounts, has just bankrupted itself. Or we could just trust Obama. Oprah does, that’s good enough for me. Seriously, if Oprah told her audience to kill for her, they would. She should talk to Mugabe. He’d listen to her.

Jacob Zuma
So everyone knows the problem there, right? My solution is Deborah Patta. She should hound him until he confesses to the rape, the fraud, blowing up the Hindenberg, whatever. If I saw Deborah at my doorstep I would poo in my pants. That woman is scary. You just know it’s hit the fan if she shows up at your house. I think she should have a seat in Parliament and a loudspeaker. That would spice things up.

Oh gosh, I just saw an ad on TV about JZs upcoming inauguration. I’m gonna be sick…

Now I’m not in the mood to solve any more problems. Maybe next time…